It seems some people don’t have three hours (or sufficient antacids) to watch the horde of Republicans candidates joust whilst standing in front of Boeing 707. To save you time, I have summarized the GOP Debate in a 140-word public service announcement.
Trump: I’m so great, I don’t need to know anything!
Carson: I hope I sound logical by comparison.
Fiorina: I’m here! On the big stage! Now I will answer every question! {PRINTER ERROR}
Jeb!: I’m not my brother, but my brother’s not so bad.
Rand: Oh my god…am I the reasonable one?
Kasich: I did lots of things! Now let me take credit for Bill Clinton’s accomplishments.
Rubio: The reason I am such a bad senator is because I’m anti-establishment. Now make me president so I can bomb stuff!
Christie: Pay no attention to the looming indictments…
Cruz: Plannedparenthoodplannedparenthoodplannedparenthoodplannedparenthood
Huckabee: I am the Kim Davis candidate!
CNN: You’d all be better than Hillary. Now tell us how you’d be 80% as good as Reagan. Then tell us your favorite flavor of jelly bean. Hint: The only correct answer is “freedom.”
P.S.: You might think that I forgot Scott Walker. But actually Scott Walker cut Scott Walker out of the post because he’s in favor of smaller posts. And he did it in a blue state.
Tom Long, PhD 